He Ate My Heart

You ate my heart, Joshua Edward.  Not really, though.  Do you even realize what you did for me?  You kept my heart safe.  Maybe you knew I needed that and so you endured my silly teenage girl crush that could have made me comparable to Helga Patacki from Hey Arnold…  It’s so silly to think I ever saw you that way.

In all honesty, I think it was just because you were the closest male friend I had…  Ever.  And despite the fact that I feel somewhat awkward now about how I used to feel about you, Im glad that happened.  If it werent for all that, who knows what silly and stupid things I may have gone through?  Would I have dated some idiot and lost my virginity before I was ready?  Who knows?  But the thing is, you kept me from making mistakes like that…  Just by existing, just by being the most amazing person I have ever known.

You still are, by the way.  I always told you that no matter where I go and who I meet, you will always be the most amazing person I know.  I’ve never known anyone like you, with such a drive to get everything done and such a strange ability to get everything that you want.  I’ve always admired that about you…  In fact, in a lot of ways, I always looked up to you…  

I miss you, Loser Face…  But hopefully I’ll be seeing you soon.

Justin played with my heart…  He fucked with everything.  He ruined me for five months…  And then I spent three days drunk.

You came home for a week.  I saw you once.  You’ve changed.  New York has turned you into a monster.  I dont know who you are anymore.  You’re not the boy I knew.  Hes dead now.

But then there was Evan who has stood by my side through everything since the first time we ever hung out.

And he is now my boyfriend…

And Im finally happy.

I didnt imagine ever in my life that I would be happy without you in my life.  But it has happened. 

Surprise…

It’s still too early to tell if anything that’s going on will work right now.

You know what my problem is? I worry too much.

I worry that Justin may just like me because I’m conveniently just there… And Tyler actually yelled at me for thinking that way… But given my history of having my head fucked with and always being the next best thing to everything, could you blame me? I’m paranoid and there are reasons for me to be.

I worry that Justin could be another attempt at replacing You… But at this point I’m pretty sure that couldn’t be true… I wouldn’t have let him kiss me if I didn’t actually like him… I wouldn’t have ever allowed myself to be in the situation where he thought it would be okay to… Like what I did with David and McGee… I never allowed them to get too close to me because in reality, I didn’t want them to be… I only allow people to get as close as I want them to be.

I worry about myself these days and what I’m doing with my life.

I had it all figured out when you were around… And now I feel lost… Maybe I’m still getting used to the idea of you being gone…

You have a boyfriend now… But I don’t mind… I dont feel upset like I was when I first saw pictures of you with your new friends… The girls… I’d felt replaced then…

And when your Facebook announced that you had a boyfriend, I realized that all I wanted was to be your best friend. I wanted to be that one person you wanted to be around all the time. The person you would miss.

I love you more than anything. But am I actually in love with you? Probably not. And if I am, I’ll have to find a way to get over it somehow… Because you will never love me that way…

A couple nights ago, I kissed a guy who wasn’t you… Wasn’t anything like you and doesn’t resemble you in any way. It was the first kiss I’ve had since you stole my first kiss. It was awkward, but I realize it was only really awkward because I had no idea what I was doing… And that’s partially because I was so used to you.

There were no sparks like I’ve been told there should be. And that fire was missing, that fire that was there when you kissed me… But that fire is there in everything you do, so it would be unfair to expect that of him…

He’s a great guy. He’s kind of a dork, even by my standards. But he’s sweet, he’s sarcastic, and I already feel like I can trust him… But he’s not without his problems… He’s got social anxiety and depression… And about four months ago, his girlfriend of four years up and dumped him for someone else… So I do worry that he may be like a wounded raccoon that I’ve decided to take in and nurse back to health… I hope not. Because I do care about him. But it’s not like I’ll, like, marry him or something… It would be one of those relationships that you know is going to end one day…

But were friends. He is my friend. And he likes me the way I am, genuinely does… And he’s not like Bryan who I was pressured into dating and the thought of holding his hand repulsed me… Justin is above Bryan in many ways… Every way, actually. Unlike Bryan, he respects me, if I pull away from him, he understands I don’t want his arm around me and he knows when to not follow me. He’s not stuck up my ass like a lost puppy. I like that.

Maybe this could work…